So over on FetLife, the Facebook for Kinksters, there’s a thread asking you to rate how good you are in the sack:
A) I will rock your world. I’m so good you’ll be pissed off at all of your past lovers for all the time wasted that you could have been with me.
B) “The best you’ve ever had” doesn’t begin to describe me.
C) I’m so good you will want to put a ring on it.
D) I get no complaints
E) You wouldn’t kick me out of bed for eating crackers and leaving crumbs
F) Mercy fuck, and teach me some skills please.
G) Don’t bother with a mercy fuck. I’m beyond hope.
Now, I’d like to rank myself on this list, but the problem is that I don’t really think there’s a generic “good in bed.” There are certain baseline skills you can use to ensure that you’re not awful, skills which can be honed by practice, but everyone’s chemistry is so different it’s hardly worth comparing.
I mean, look, my wife and partners think I’m great in bed – but why wouldn’t they? They’re dating me for the long term, which means they must have clicked with me sexually enough to go, “Well, I should get some more of that.” And presumably, as I learn what they like, I get better with time.
Meanwhile, I’ve gone on dates with some women who it just didn’t work out with sexually… and as a partial result of that non-connection, they’re not currently with me. That doesn’t mean they’re bad people, but why date someone who’s bad in bed for them – like me – when we could just be friends?
Plus, there’s the curve. It’s hard to look someone in the eye after the intimacy of sex and go, “Whoo, that was spectacularly mediocre.” I think I’ve gotten a sum total of one “You’re terrible” comment post-coitus in my life, even when I was achingly aware of how terrible this was for them. Usually, you go for subtler things, like correcting them in mid-sex, or steering them towards different body parts, or even just declining a second go-around, rather than going, “Hey, can I post that sex on FailBlog?”
So you know, I’m awash in a sea of positive feedback, but it doesn’t mean that much to me because it’s self-selecting. And I think some folks take that feedback to mean “Yeah, I am SPECTACULAR in bed!” instead of looking at the circumstances surrounding that feedback and compensating.
I know I’m good with certain people. Does that mean I’ll be good with you? Who the hell knows? There’s that mysterious element of sexual chemistry, and sometimes that just doesn’t pan out. Like I said, some careful attention to what your partner likes can smooth over a lot of gaps, but sometimes people are just hard to read. Sometimes it’s just fumble after fumble no matter how you try.
You know when I know you’ll be good in bed with me? When we kiss. That kiss will tell me everything I need to know about how good we’ll be, because the kiss itself carries so much – how well we read each other, our sympathetic styles, the scent and taste of you. One kiss, and I can tell you how good it’s going to be.. for me.
When do you know whether I’ll be good for you? Hell if I know. Maybe you know, but I sure as heck don’t. And I don’t think I can tell you from any generic chart.
Cross-posted from Ferrett's Real Blog.