theferrett: (Meazel)
[personal profile] theferrett

There’s a piece of twaddle going around FetLife called 10 Rules For Dating My Daughter, which is packed with “funny” threats like this:

“Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilising some kind of ‘barrier method’ can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.”

All of which boil down to the tedious, “Boys are threatening louts, sex is awful when other people do it, and my daughter is a plastic doll whose destiny I control.”

Look, I love sex. It’s fun. And because I love my daughter, I want her to have all of the same delights in life that I do, and hopefully more. I don’t want to hear about the fine details because, heck, I don’t want those visuals any more than my daughter wants mine. But in the abstract, darling, go out and play.

Because consensual sex isn’t something that men take from you; it’s something you give. It doesn’t lessen you to give someone else pleasure. It doesn’t degrade you to have some of your own. And anyone who implies otherwise is a man who probably thinks very poorly of women underneath the surface.

Yes, all these boys and girls and genderqueers may break your heart, and that in turn will break mine. I’ve held you, sobbing, after your boyfriend cheated on you, and it tore me in two. But you know what would tear me in two even more? To see you in a glass cage, experiencing nothing but cold emptiness at your fingers, as Dear Old Dad ensured that you got to experience nothing until he decided what you should like.

You’re not me. Nor are you an extension of my will. And so you need to make your own damn mistakes, to learn how to pick yourself up when you fall, to learn where the bandages are and to bind up your own cuts. I’ll help. I’ll be your consigliere when I can, the advisor, the person you come to when all seems lost. But I think there’s value in getting lost. I think there’s a strength that only comes from fumbling your own way out of the darkness.

You’re your own person, and some of the things you’re going to love will strike me as insane, ugly, or unenjoyable. This is how large and wonderful the world is! Imagine if everyone loved the same thing; we’d all be battling for the same ten people. The miracle is how easily someone’s cast-offs become someone else’s beloved treasure. And I would be a sad, sad little man if I manipulated you into becoming a cookie-cutter clone of my desires. Love the music I hate, watch the movies I loathe, become a strong woman who knows where her bliss is and knows just what to do to get it.

Now, you’re going to get bruised by life, and sometimes bruised consensually. But I won’t tell you sex is bad, or that you’re bad for wanting it, or that other people are bad from wanting it from you if you’re willing to give it. I refuse to perpetuate, even through the plausible deniability of humor, the idea that the people my daughter is attracted to are my enemy.

I’m not the guard who locks you in the tower. Ideally, I am my daughter’s safe space, a garden to return to when the world has proved a little too cruel, a place where she can recuperate and reflect upon past mistakes and know that here, there is someone who loves her wholeheartedly and will hug her until the tears dry.

That’s what I want for you, sweetie. A bold life filled with big mistakes and bigger triumphs.

Now get out there and find all the things you fucking love, and vice versa.

Cross-posted from Ferrett's Real Blog.


Date: 2013-08-09 07:08 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Just perfect. As a daughter, mother and now grandmother--I thank you.

Date: 2013-08-09 08:23 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Boss u brave! I salute ya!


Date: 2013-08-09 08:49 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Shame that the original post was removed. I wanted to see this misogynistic purity-pushing crap that we thrust onto little girls. -MissFreudianSlit

Re: Shame

Date: 2013-08-12 08:37 am (UTC)
cameoflage: Cartoon self-portrait: An androgynous person with chin-length curly hair in multiple shades of green and blank white eyes, adjusting their glasses (Default)
From: [personal profile] cameoflage
The bit Ferrett quoted is from the book 8 Simple Rules For Dating My Teenage Daughter, I'm pretty sure. So I assume the original post is either based on that book or plagiarizing it outright.


Date: 2013-08-10 11:45 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Thank you for standing up and showing what true love is from a father to a child. May others read this and carry on the idea.

Women Don't "Give" Sex

Date: 2013-08-10 02:25 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
"Because consensual sex isn’t something that men take from you; it’s something you give."

Don't like that phrasing. Sex is something you "share". Men aren't 'receiving' sex, as though it's some gift to men, either. It is, or should be, on an equal footing.

Re: Women Don't "Give" Sex

Date: 2013-08-10 04:18 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
There's a whole lot of giving, receiving, taking, AND sharing that goes on in the really good (& yes, consensual) kind of sex.

Sharing-only-sex is ... shallow. ;)

Date: 2013-08-10 04:15 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Bingo and Bravo, Brave-dude!

Yeah, I want my kids to have a fabulous sex life, too ... and have told them so.

I have to post anonymously, but I'm not hiding -- I shared your blog on my FB wall:

Dena Lynn Brehm
(there. non-anonymous.)

love this

Date: 2013-08-10 06:41 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Simply awesome. Thank you for writing this.

Re: love this

Date: 2013-08-10 06:42 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
ha ha, I didn't mean to post anonymously either... and I also shared on my facebook. ~Mona Emotion

Date: 2013-08-10 08:28 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
"You’re your own person, and some of the things you’re going to love will strike me as insane, ugly, or unenjoyable. This is how large and wonderful the world is! Imagine if everyone loved the same thing; we’d all be battling for the same ten people."

oh how awesome it would be for about a billion or two more people to get this idea into their endlessly-distracted skulls...

I just wasn't sure...

Date: 2013-08-10 11:00 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
Upon reading the headline to your piece I just wasn't sure I was going to want to read this but...I did read it and I can say, Yeah!

Date: 2013-08-11 03:09 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
For anyone wanting to read the garbage original post:


Date: 2013-08-18 03:26 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] angeliqueb
Sex is to be shared in, not given or taken. My mother implicitly encouraged me to have selective premarital sex when I was in my late teens, but to spare her the details. With sex, you have to take your partner's and your own learning curve into account.

Date: 2013-08-11 05:23 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)


Date: 2013-08-11 05:50 pm (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
I love this post! Having lost both parents in the last two years, it reminded me, in a good way, that a fathers love is all encompassing, without limit or boundary, given with a whole heart, for the love of another human being above your own person. Yes it made me realise I miss my Dad, but had echos of his teachings in each paragraph. Thankyou for the memories.XX

Thank you

Date: 2013-08-14 02:45 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
I wish my father or even both my parents wrote me a letter like this when I was a teenager probably it could save me from a lot of trouble all those years. It's very hard to be alone in this cruel cold world and not knowing what is right or what is not. I've been through a lot in my life specially in the relationship department and many times I wished with all my heart to have my parents with me to talk about my problems but thankfully I've learned from my own mistakes, now as a young adult I can see back and just smile remembering myself as a very fragile naïve teenager. I hope many parents can be cool when it comes to talk about sex and relationship with their children.

Date: 2013-08-14 10:12 pm (UTC)
1smut_princess: Tea Solves EVERYTHING (Tea Dammit)
From: [personal profile] 1smut_princess
You are wonderful, and that is that. No words can express how much of a gift this sort of sentiment is. We hear these things for sons, or from mothers, if we hear them at all. Thank you, thank you. I hope that you always keep a copy of these things to give to your child(ren), a set in stone memory, so that they will have these beautiful wishes and further proofs of your love.

Date: 2013-08-24 01:17 am (UTC)
chemm80: (Hard Six)
From: [personal profile] chemm80
Came here from Tumblr. As a daughter and a mother of a daughter, I'd like to say thank you for getting it and expressing it so elegantly.


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